Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
