I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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