I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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