love makes seman taste better
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize