i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize