I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
someone threw a dead crab at me
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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