he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Randomize
