I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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