He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
