Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize