he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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