Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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