Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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