Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize