I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
