My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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