i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
