I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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