you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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