Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
