My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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