I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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