where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize