Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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