The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
