whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Dear god my vagina.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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