There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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