Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
