Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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