I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I didn't notice because vodka
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
