Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
