i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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