Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
