Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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