I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
