There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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