i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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