she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
