i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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