every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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