No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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