I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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