Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
