that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
