I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
