He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
