Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
