Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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