They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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