So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
