I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
