Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My vagina is very pro this idea
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
