College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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