my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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