Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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