Is it normal to miss your booty call?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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