Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
