Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
