I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
