at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Randomize
