what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
