this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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