yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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