No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
