i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
