Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
