hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
