your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
