the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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