she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
