just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
